The Tell-Tale Signs That A Relationship Won’t Work
What makes a relationship work, and what causes a relationship to go up in flames? There are no one-size-fits-all answers, but after experiencing a few relationships, many of us have at least somewhat of an idea of what constitutes a good relationship that will stand the test of time.
Redditors responded to a thread asking those in committed, successful relationships just what they were noticing in other couples that might indicate that things wouldn't work out - and the answers are fascinating.
Some definite rules apply.
"The Four Horsemen are: Criticism - Attacking your partner's character or personality; Contempt - Treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, or superiority; Defensiveness - Refusing to take responsibility, playing the victim; and Stonewalling - Shutting down, withdrawing, refusing to engage."
"Eight years into marriage, we had all four. It felt like divorce was on our doorstep. We finally got real help and resolved to work through things. It was about three more years before I could say that our marriage was definitely on the upswing."
Stop playing right versus wrong.
"If every disagreement turns into 'who's right’ instead of ‘how do we fix this’ it usually doesnt last."
"I told my ex from the jump whenever an argument may come, that it's not us against each other it’s us against the problem."
Talk, talk, and talk some more.
"Poor communication skills. The inability to understand when something is bothering the other person/ignoring their problems. Not admitting you made a mistake or were wrong at times. Being rude and mean to the other person when they confront you with an issue (attacking the person not the problem)."
"These are the things I see a lot as a Family Law Attorney."
Denied permission.
"The big thing that seems like a huge problem to me is when I hear someone saying 'Oh, I'm not allowed to insert innocuous hobby or activity here, my boyfriend/girlfriend would go nuts.'"
"One of the things I think is most important in a relationship is respecting your partner's hobbies and the things they like, even if you don't like them yourself. If you can't or won't do that, maybe you're not right for each other."
It's good to laugh together.
"They stop laughing together. Small shared jokes and playful teasing are the glue in long-term relationships. When that disappears, it's usually a warning sign."
"Recently divorced and this is absolute fact."
You're supposed to be allies.
"Fighting in front of others. This or even just condescending jabs in front of others."
"I know a couple that does this and it's so uncomfortable for everyone else in the room."
Quiet...too quiet.
"They don't communicate beyond routine run of the mill day to day stuff and even then only when they need to."
"That's a relationship killer whatever the stage, I've got too many friends getting divorced with a 'I thought we where fine/things where good' and honestly, nope, things were 'quiet' and that was because someone in the relationship had given up and was looking for an exit while keeping things level."
Money makes the world go 'round.
"I should have seen the financial problems as a red flag at the beginning. I always believed things would improve but the financial infidelities never stopped and when boundaries were finally set with the help of therapy she demonized me and left."
"There were other things too but I think this played the biggest role."
When you genuinely don't like each other.
"They speak negatively about each other to people when they're not around each other."
"My boyfriend keeps doing this as a means to vent and I found myself doing it too out of spite. I feel like it's not looking good for us."
Share the responsibilities.
"One-sided effort. If one partner is always planning, cleaning, compromising, or initiating, while the other coasts, it usually signals trouble ahead."
"I see this with female friends and I'm always hoping they'll leave him. I can't believe how many women put up absent partners and fathers and just stick it out."
Hard to see it ending well at this stage.
"When 10 years into it, they start floating the 'let's open the marriage' discussion. Predictable crash and burn."
"I have a friend who started asking this of her husband 3 years in. They've been fighting recently because 'she’s always out of town.'"
Let's hear a success story for once.
"We are coming up on 40 years in August. I can only say what have been our keys to success: open honest communication and understanding the relationship has needs beyond each of yours, meaning invest in quality time together."
"A quote from a similar thread that has stuck with me, 'In a marriage everything should be split 60/40 where you're both trying to be the 60.'"
Stay positive.
"I am a dance teacher and work with a lot of engaged couples for their first dance, as well as couples just learning social dance for fun. You can tell a lot by how people learn together."
"Some couples will support each other as they each make mistakes, others will get inpatient, say rude things, and demand better of their partner. It says a lot if you can't function in a new experience with your partner and not remain supportive and loving."
Anger versus contempt
"If they show contempt towards each other."
"Relationships can last just fine with anger. A little anger can a good thing sometimes, in fact. Contempt though? No relationship can survive that."
Some people can't be themselves.
"They are different people when you're with either of them alone than they are when they are wish their spouse."
"Friends that come over and play cards with me and act one way but then when we are out as couples act another way... they don't make it because they aren't being real with their spouse. I'm not saying you can't tell a guy's joke with just the guys, but when your entire personality shifts, it's not a good sign."
Contempt is a killer.
"Contempt - the little things like eye rolling, dismissiveness, derision. That's toxic as anything and is a relationship killer."
"That was my ex wife. Near the end I couldn't tell a story in front of a group of friends without her rolling her eyes, telling me it’s stupid, or I’m stupid, and just flat out made me feel like I’m a constant idiot. I left her three years ago."
Poor communication skills.
"They vent to me about an issue, then when I say 'what did they say when you told them that?' they get annoyed with me."
"It's because they've moved past communication with the partner directly and on to framing their partner as the villain like an irritating coworker or boss that they just have to work around to live."
Love or like?
"Been married for almost 30 years! Have observed long-term couples with all sorts of pathological relationship issues — things I wouldn't dream of tolerating — who nonetheless stay together long term."
"However, I’ve heard more than one spouse say something like 'I love him/her, but I don’t like him/her,' and 100% of those relationships ended."
A few red flags here.
"Lots of social media posts of their date night, lots of random 'I love this guy!' posts. I mean all the time, not like a special occasion or something."
"Really possessive of the other one looking at their phone. I never feel the need to snoop through my husband's phone, but if I want to look something up and his phone is right there, it is zero issue for me to grab it and use it."
You shouldn't need to seek love.
"The biggest red flag I've seen is when one person in the relationship has to seek love/attention from their partner."
"I’ve seen so many women in relationships where it feels like they’re having to convince their partner to care for them."
Therapy can be a huge help.
"People who don't go to therapy and/or work on their own issues, triggers, etc, especially if neither one of the partners does this."
"I think this leads to knee-jerk reactions and tons of assumptions that slowly erode the relationship away."
You're not enemies.
"They are versus each other instead of a team versus the world."
"My husband and I have been together for almost thirty years. We don't fight. Seriously. In all our time together we have only had 3-4 real fights. I don't mean a disagreement, I mean stopping talking and one of us goes into another room and sleeps there. It was always over by morning."
Correct this behavior.
"When one spouse will criticize the other in front of other people."
"Actually, I have to say....my husband and all of his brothers do this to their wives. I had to have a talk with my husband and tell him how uncomfortable it makes other people. He never did it again."
Body language experts can tell a lot.
"Their body language towards each other.."
"I'm talking never stand near each other, never give a random shoulder touch as they pass each other, etc. My wife and I are constantly touching each other, whether in private or public. We can both be in completely different worlds of conversation with separate people, but if we walk past each other, we always give a little touch."
If they look unhappy, they're probably unhappy.
"I could always predict when a marriage would be ending soon by the wife's behavior and looking unhappy all the time."
"People I didn't even know beyond meeting at a work function and usually within the year I would hear they were divorced."
Don't be a baby.
"One person doing all the adulting- childcare, housework, etc. Fastest way to kill desire for intimacy in your partner is to behave like an adult toddler."
"Don't put up with it, ever. Either you’re an equal team sharing the adulting, or leave. Life is way to short to be a maid."
Disengagement is never good.
"The female partner giving up and 'going limp.' Rather than getting angry or frustrated with her partner, she stops being disappointed in him entirely because her expectations of him have disappeared."
"The male partner often interprets this as a sign of peace or everybody getting along again, but it's actually a sign of total disengagement."
Keep the spark alive.
"When their lives completely revolve around their kids and kids' activities. They spent every free moment during the week and every weekend chasing down the next sport or whatever it is the kids do."
"I saw this happen both with my in-laws and my brother and also a few coworkers. Once the kids are gone that couple become strangers to each other."
Seeking the next thrill.
"They're never content. They go through the euphoria highs of getting married, then need to have the wedding, then new cars, then slowly a line of kids one by one."
"So many of the examples people have given so far are obvious answers, but never being content and constantly wanting more are big red flags."
Pick your battles.
"When one person is telling a story in a group and their partner rolls their eyes or corrects minor irrelevant details. 'It was a Tuesday, not a Wednesday' — nobody cares, but it tells you everything."
"That quiet contempt for the way the other person speaks, laughs or expresses themselves is usually the beginning of the end. Passion fades, life gets hard, but couples who still genuinely enjoy each other's company in a room full of people tend to make it."
Dan Gray
